Lost Between Stubbornness and Embarrassment

A reflection on ego, change, and choosing to wander an uncertain path

I know I’ve felt this feeling before.

A pull from my soul to make a change, or to learn something new.

Something feels out of alignment, but the solution isn’t one my head will like.

It requires admitting something is missing, that I’m not perfect, that there is room for growth.

So I evaluate my choices like a multiple choice test.

1. You are fine, you don’t have to change. You have a good routine. You are smart, and you are getting by.

2. You can make a long list and action plan to determine if change is a good idea. You can figure this out on your own.

3. You are better off not asking for help. You can ignore what you don’t know.

4. All of the above

Sometimes change doesn’t feel like an option.

What sits between stubbornness and embarrassment is my Ego.

Too proud to change.

Too fragile to admit that change might be better.

And so, at times, I’ve carried on.

Telling myself over and over that the status quo is enough.

While my soul screams out for something new.

“Quiet down” I tell my soul.

Hoping to smother the feeling and the noise before it get’s too loud.

I know I’ve felt this feeling before.

My Ego is trying desperately one last time to assert his dominance.

There is certainty in safety.

That I have no doubt.

But this feeling I have is a growing sense that change, however hard or unknown, just might be the way forward.

And so I smile to my Ego.

I say thank you.

But you are no longer in control.

I think I’m going to wander for a while.